MURRAY MOUTH FAKES ONE LAST FLOW

WOODEN BOATS RACING BENEATH THE HINDMARSH ISLAND BRIDGE AT GOOLWA, WHERE THE MURRAY RIVER PREVIOUSLY FLOWED INTO THE GREAT SOUTHERN OCEAN ... photograph by KATE ELMES/INDEPENDENT WEEKLY

Turning Water Into Wine
Viticulture Helps Kill River

by PHILIP WHITE - a version of this first appeared in THE INDEPENDENT WEEKLY

Aquacaf is a great little seafood restaurant at Goolwa. It sits on the edge of the new fake lake the government’s made with its dam wall at Clayton. It now looks as if the Murray River once again flows into the sea. Where the Finniss waters would normally gush into the channel and make a sharp left hand turn to flow north into Lake Alexandrina, flushing, filling and oxygenating it, she now turns left and bounces off the new earthern wall, then sorta swirls around and back, filling Tom and Wendy’s boat thing, even spilling a little over the Goolwa Barrage into the Southern Ocean after the good rain.

There were a jolly lot of diners there last week, watching a fleet of classic wooden boats perform a polite race in the snot-green water. “Actually it’s more like khaki”, my fierce off-sider told her perfect gravadlax, which came on a wooden trencherboard.

Very ancient ritual, serving food on a trencher. I thought of the rough hands of the carpenter breaking bread for the rough hands of the fishermen at another meal in another epoch. They would have used trencherboards. I wondered how the Damascus rosé looked at that last strange supper; how it glinted in the light. How well it accompanied whatever they’d caught.

Aquacaf provides the perfect platform to gaze upon the Hindmarsh Island bridge. Its gentle bulging curve is easy on the eye, humping, as it does, from out of that old street of stone harbormaster’s offices, across the narrow channel to plunge straight into an aboriginal graveyard.

It’s an highly evocative place to sit, there at Aquacaf. Look north, across the bridge, towards Clayton and Langhorne Creek, and if your brain’s like mine it fizzes with rage and confusion about what the wine business has done to these waters. There was a good fresh aquifer there, but greed and ignorance saw it sucked until it turned too saline for use. More modest use of it has seen bits of it return to something like normal, but the Lake and the Bremer will never again be normal, although the Bremer actually flowed a little the other day, and I liked the thought that it might be putting what my Mum would call “goodness” back into the aquifer, and maybe even the poor buggered Lake.

I thought of the abandoned tailings dams at the old mines of Kanmantoo and Brukunga, then, and how much of their poison seeped downstream with the lovely rains. The wine in my hand came from the safer side of those headwaters, at Romney Park, between Hahndorf and Balhannah, where the water runs the other way, down the Onkaparinga and into the gulf accidentally named after the patron saint of viticulturers, Vincent.

That Hahndorf chardonnay is about as good and fine and precise a drink as the South Mount Ranges have produced thus far. It’s the perfect thing to have with such perfect dishes as Aquacaf’s squid and gravadlax.

While I wallowed in this repast, there with the bridge and the boats and the tupperware tuscany, I wandered back to the days of Premier Dean Brown, who moved some water allocation permits from upriver to Langhorne Creek, to feed the incredible explosion of viticulture that occurred there as soon as the tap came on. In 1991, there were 471 hectares of vineyard at Langhorne Creek: an area limited by the amount of available water coming down the Bremer, and the varying freshness of the aquifer.

The wine industry councils released their thirty year plan in 1995, outlining the amount of vineyards Australia would need to keep the world supplied through to 2025. Thanks to Premier Brown’s new water, the Langhorne Creek bit went very quickly. By mid 1997, there were about 2,500 hectares; by vintage 1999, there were 4317 hectares: a tenfold explosion in eight years.

In one $30 million hit, Vinescape Management Services, planted 320 hectares for the Guild Pharmacists’ superannuation fund, on completely unproven samphire country. It soon grew its own little salt pan, smack in the middle. I still keep the Orlando press release boasting of the size of its new planting: one vineyard with 200,000 trellis posts, 1,000 kilometres of drip line, and 50,000 kilometres of wire. Must be good eh? They planted riesling for Bacchus’ sake! That vineyard’s been on the market for years now.

Anyway, the mighty wine industry sure planted everything its thirty year plan outlined. In about five years. Not just in Langhorne Creek, but all along the Murray, and right across the nation. Nobody seemed to notice this unseemly haste.

HINDMARSH ISLAND BRIDGE ... photo by KATES ELMES/INDEPENDENT WEEKLY

As the waters of the Finniss gradually wear their way through the sinking dam our government has built to seal the fate of our greatest river system, I wonder what wise counsel Dean Brown offers Ms Maywald and Mike Rann today?

What punishment would this mob of rack ’em, pack ’em and stack ’em bullies deal out if this destruction had been wrought by, say, a gang of unemployed thugs from Murray Bridge?
.

CONSTELLATION'S REYNELLA PLOT SICKENS

CONSTELLATION'S AUSTRALIAN HEADQUARTERS AT OLD REYNELLA. JOHN REYNELL'S PIONEER HOMESTEAD IS AMONG THE TREES, CENTRE. HIS 161 YEAR OLD VINEYARD IS CIRCLED. THIS IS THE SITE OF PIONEER HOMES' PROPOSED 41 BLOCK INTENSIVE RESIDENTIAL DEVELOPMENT: A PIONEER YUPPIE GHETTO ALREADY IN THE FESTERING STAGE...

Savvy Council Buys Time At Reynella
In Come The Heavy State Ministers
Meanwhile, Up Shit Creek With Karlene ...
by PHILIP WHITE

“The Stony Hill Vineyard is the jewel in Australia's viticultural crown,” reads the text on the back of the bottle. “Importantly, it is the birthplace of one of Australia's most famous wine houses, the oldest in South Australia, Chateau Reynella. Today Chateau Reynella, the home of John Reynell, the man who planted the first commercial vineyard in South Australia and who is recognised by many as the father of the State's industry, is again producing quality wines from Stony Hill Vineyard. Stony Hill is the first commercial vineyard planted by John Reynell on his Reynella Farm back in 1839, only one year after he founded the farm and three years after the proclamation of South Australia.”

But that was then. Here’s the latest about that same priceless vineyard from the same crass mob.

“Constellation Wines Australia (CWAU) has entered into an agreement to sell a block of land on the north west corner of Reynell and Panalatinga Roads, Reynella, opposite the main winery grounds. This site is part of the original 32 hectare area purchased by John Reynell in 1839, around 16 hectares of which was sold by John Reynell in 1854 to create the township of Reynella (now Old Reynella).

“Known as Stony Hill vineyard, this block comprises 1.24 hectares of Cabernet Sauvignon vines planted in 1990 and 0.89 hectares of Cabernet Sauvignon planted in 1968. These 18 to 40 year old vines are affected by leaf-roll virus and another disease known as ‘Eutypa dieback’. These grapevine diseases have compromised grape quality and reduced yields, to the point where many vines do not have bunches even though they have shoots and leaves. These diseases, combined with the inferior soils of the Stony Hill block, have resulted in poor quality grapes, compared with those grown in the vineyards located on the main winery site.

“The high quality of fruit grown on the main winery site has formed the backbone of our awarded Chateau Reynella McLaren Vale range for many years, and includes the highly valued Reynell clone of Cabernet, named in honour of John Reynell, and now widely used throughout Australia.

“The main winery site is an important part of the Reynella township heritage and highly valued for its historical significance to our company, the region and the South Australian wine industry.

“Sale of the Stony Hill block will enable further investment in the ongoing maintenance of Reynell’s heritage buildings and the surrounding landscaped gardens, which remain open to the public for self guided tours during business hours.

“Details on what is proposed for the Stony Hill block will be a matter for the new owner and the Onkaparinga Council following settlement, which is expected to occur in the next few weeks.”

This statement is from Sheralee Davies, Group Public Relations Manager, 0407 004 959.

The Onkaparinga Council, now beset by complaints about this plan, bought itself some time at Thursday night’s meeting by insisting it needed more advice and information from Pioneer Homes, the developer.

BIGNELL
Leon “Biggles” Bignell, the ace Labour Member for Mawson, the adjacent parliamentary seat, told DRINKSTER “Whitey, do you realise this is History Week? You know what these people are doing? Like Constellation, Pioneer and the Onkaparinga Council? They’re making history history!”

Biggles has written to Patch Conlon, a dead serious wine lover, and Minister for Transport, Energy and Infrastructure, explaining:

“Last night Onkaparinga Council deferred a decision on the subdivision application pending approval by DTEI of a full range of access from Reynell Road to the new development; i.e. left and right access in and out.

CONLON

“I would like you and officers within DTEI to be fully aware of the large community opposition to this proposal and call on DTEI not to grant approval for any access.”

Biggles will meet Planning Minister Paul Holloway on his return from overseas on Tuesday. Holloway promised in November that there would be no more significant housing developments in the Barossa Valley or McLaren Vale. Reynella is within the official McLaren Vale Geographical Indicator.

“Because they’re wine regions, also significant tourism regions, it would not make sense to have urban encroachment to a significant extent into those areas,” he said. “So we’ll avoid those areas and the areas that we’ll be looking at for future expansion are those areas where there’ll be less impact on the important tourism and economic areas ... why would you want to encroach on areas that are important to the economy because of the significant contribution that they make to the state’s economy through the wine industry and the tourism industry? Clearly that would be put at threat if we allowed rampant urban development within those areas."

HOLLOWAY

As for Cunstellation’s claim that the vineyard’s sick, well. Deary me. The biggest premium wine company on Earth can’t keep one of Australia’s most significant historical vineyards healthy? How can they be trusted to keep the rest of Reynell’s magnificent estate shipshape? Is Eutypa dieback – aka Dead Arm – the end of the world? Chester Osborne has made a healthy profit and a great deal of public favour from his lovely d'Arenberg Dead Arm Shiraz. How many of the oldest McLaren Vale vineyards don’t have some dead arm in them? Duh.

As for the insinuation that the vineyard has no historical significance because it has been replanted? The poppies of Flanders Fields are sacred and revered, not because they're the same ones that were there a century ago, but because of what happened there. And what happened at this sacred site of Australian viticulture, this site which has been under vine for 161 years, makes it absolutely essential that it should remain a vineyard.

SHARLEY
Which leads me to the little matter of Banrock Station. That's the “Help Us Help The Earth – Supporting Global Conservation” Constellation property up the buggered River Murray. Years ago I warned David Woods, CEO of BRL-Hardy before the Constellation invasion, that Banrock was a deadly PR trap unless the vineyard itself was an environmental triumph, and the vineyard most certainly was not, as it was your basic high-tonnage arid land petro-chem sprayed speculation watered by saline water from a River which was obviously not going to last.

Mysteriously, suddenly, Constellation last week “let go” Tony Sharley, the brilliant research scientist and conservationist who managed the swamps below the vineyard.

MAYWALD

The Riverland is abuzz with rumours about Sharley’s relationship with Karlene Maywald, the Minister for the River Murray and Water Security. If these have substance, it should be very good for South Australia and the River, as Sharely will be much more influential advising Ms Maywald than he ever could have been working for the retreating Constellation.

And, believe me, Karlene needs better advice than any she's had so far.

It's just a pity that Constellation hasn't taken better counsel. The four or five million bucks it might get for this act of barefaced vandalism is peanuts compared to the permanent international disgrace this whole thing has brought down.

Help us help the Earth, indeed. Support global conservation? Yes, please! And Banrock Station? Isn't that up shit creek?

Click on George Grainger Aldridge's cartoon for the ancient history:

Last drink for the Vales

by PHILIP WHITE - This was published in The Independent Weekly in February 2008

THE politics of drought are set to ravage McLaren Vale – a world leader in viticultural water conservation.

Vignerons are reeling from Water Security Minister Karlene Maywald’s shock announcement that mains water allocations have been slashed 35% from February 1^st.

“We’ll lose between 350 and 500 hectares of Australia’s most valuable vineyards”, said Derek Cameron, chairman of the McLaren Vale Growers’ Council. “That’s well over $60,000,000 loss in five years.

“The real insult is that this is being inflicted on Australia’s most efficient and productive irrigating vignerons” he said. “All our mains water is from our Myponga catchment – we use no Murray water. We have no channel irrigation; no sprinklers – everything’s on highly efficient drip with the most advanced monitoring systems available. And because we waste no water, and irrigation is absolutely minimal, a cut of one third is disastrous.”

Mr Cameron explained that his growers fully appreciated the value of water. They’d happily paid the $1160 per ML going rate, and had perhaps naively supposed the imposed hike to $1650 next July would involve some surety of supply.

“Murray growers pay from $75 to $400 per ML”, Mr. Cameron said. “They yield between $1100 and $2500 income per ML applied. If they paid mains rates they’d run at a loss. We average $13,660 to $17,000 income per ML. We’re sustainable.”

In a scenario eerily akin to Labor’s disastrous ’80s Vine Pull Scheme, the cuts will destroy smaller, super-premium McLaren Vale growers, many organic, who supply international figureheads like Grange, Eileen Hardy, and Dead Arm, while broadacre chemical regime irrigators of cheap bulk industrial fruit survive.

“At least that Vine Pull was voluntary”, Mr. Cameron said. “95% of those to go this time will be profitable family-owned vineyards smaller than 40 acres … people who’ve struggled through five years of drought and low payments, without the wherewithal to connect to the recycled system.”

Jock Harvey, chairman of McLaren Vale Grape Wine and Tourism, said the cuts showed a frightening lack of government understanding of McLaren Vale.

“We’re 80% of the way through a 22 year plan to totally drought-proof our district”, he said. “By 2012, we will be the first premium grape region in the world to be economically and ecologically sustainable in this way. So this is devastating. Imposing this on such marginal electorates is political suicide.”

McLaren Vale growers have instituted and paid for the oldest and most successful underground water management system in the state, recharging their aquifer by at least 2000ML per year. They have funded the largest network of reclaimed water use in Australia, providing 40% of irrigation demands with recycled water from the southern suburbs.

Intensive work with local State MP Leon Bignall last year saw both state and federal governments allocate funds to assist more small growers switch from mains water to the recycled network. The immediate construction of a winter storage dam would reduce the flow of Christie’s Beach effluent into the Gulf, and reroute 1000ML of mains irrigation back into Adelaide’s drinking supply by 2012.

“This plan we’d engineered with Leon – who’s been a big help - would have reduced mains water irrigators by 80% within four years”, Mr. Cameron said. “We’d be back to 95% in five years. To destroy these irreplaceable heritage vineyards when they’re finally about to switch completely to recycled water just doesn’t make sense.”

“I understand there’s only so much water in the bucket”, said Leon Bignall. “But this is disastrous for the south. We’ve lost Mitsubishi. Now McLaren Vale. We’re meeting Karlene on Wednesday to get this fixed. These growers deserve acknowledgement and reward, not punishment. Unlike the overhead sprinkler regime up the River, these blokes are world leaders in water conservation.”

Labor suicides by water-boarding

by PHILIP WHITE - This was published in The Independent Weekly in July 2008

It was politicians who put the soldier settlers up the River. Poor buggers would just get back from the battles and horrors they’d never forget and they’d send ’em straight up the river with a shovel, a bundle of cuttings and an irrigation permit. Mine the Mallee for sugar; turn the water into wine, export it at the price of Coca Cola. Since then, until now, nobody’s had a second thought about the River. Anybody’d think the Chaffey Brothers still ran the entire basin.

Kevin Rudd certainly isn’t running it. COAG isn’t running it. Mike Rann’s not running it. Karlene and Penny aren’t in the race. Jock Harvey might just as well run it. He’s the chair of the McLaren Vale Grape, Wine and Tourism Association.

Having just left a meeting with the Federal Minister for Agriculture, Forestry and Fisheries, The Hon Tony Burke MP, Jock had a big spray, like most of the rest us did, anywhere we could, after the COAG collapse.

“There widespread support for the Federal Government taking control of the entire Murray River system through the compulsory acquisition of all water entitlements and then re-allocating water on a sustainable basis similar to the approach advocated by the Wentworth Group and scientist Mike Young”, was Jock’s first salvo.

Then it just kept coming:

“We are specifically concerned that instead of acquiring water entitlements, investing in infrastructure and efficiencies upstream will ultimately result in expanded plantings upstream and less or no water in the river downstream”, he said.

“The imminent collapse of the Murray River system is a national emergency requiring immediate federal government action”, he said.

“The Coorong is designated as a World Heritage Area because of its importance to the world’s ecology, not just the ecology of SA”, he continued.

“As the southern reaches of the Murray River system die, so to will the Coorong. As one of the richest countries in the world, how Australia solves this crisis will have a dramatic impact on SA and Australia’s standing in the world community, and on our leverage in making and keeping international commitments.

“The Government has the power to take these actions under the Corporations Act and we believe they must act now', he concluded.

Former Labor Party Senator Chris Schacht was at the meeting too. He should be running the River. He’s smart enough to warn that “every Federal Labor seat in South Australia except one was vulnerable to falling at the next election if the federal Government did not take immediate steps to take complete control of the river system”.

Paul Clancy, Chairman of the Wine Grape Council, should be running it. He’s ballistic about the amount of new vineyard planting still underway, in the face of gross oversupply and dwindling water resources.

“These damned Managed Investment Scheme plantings are continuing apace!”, he said last week. “200 plus new acres at Loxton. 200 plus at Lake Cullulleraine. 1200 plus in the Barossa. 200 plus at Wentworth. 200 plus at Ballarat. That’s only the start. Where’s the water coming from?

“This drought and the irrigation restrictions are simply masking the massive over-supply of grapes”, he said. “This industry needs 1.6 million tonnes of grapes to meet current demand and projected growth. We grew 2.1 million tonnes in 2006 and the prices collapsed. How much water will be wasted growing another 500,000 plus tonnes of grapes we can’t sell?

“There is, pure and simple, no potential for the industry to absorb this over-supply. The whole world is awash with oversupply, and the exchange rate is dead against Australia selling into that full market. Industry and government can no longer turn their backs on the grounds that this is free enterprise at work and that market forces will address this problem.”

While the big companies are still urging further plantings, they admit there’s a big glut of chardonnay: big enough for the price of those grapes to fall to $300 a tonne. So what’s the new deal? Now they want people to plant pinot noir and pinot gris because they’re the new buzz words. Apart from a tiny proportion of the Adelaide Hills and the Southern Fleurieu, there is no land in South Australia suitable for these difficult cool climate wine types.

Calling for mass plantings of such varieties, as Foster’s seems to desire, is about as dumb as taking fresh water from Tailem Bend and piping it to Langhorne Creek. Given one full day of stiff sou-easterly, the brine and sulphuric acid waters of the lakes will be well beyond Wellington and slurping neatly into the intake of the new pipe. Another twenty four hours of wind and the lakes shandy will reach Murray Bridge, where the Mount Bold pipe does its slurping. Another day of wind will see the same poisonous muck entering the intake of the Mannum Adelaide pipe. Duh!

Constellation clings to swamp

by PHILIP WHITE - This was first published in The Independent Weekly on 15 AUG 2008

“What does this mean for the image of the wine industry?” asked Tony McCarthy. The Baldies, from the ABC breakfast program, had woken me to discuss the continuing retreat from South Australia of Constellation, the world’s biggest wine company. I didn’t really answer his question.

Constellation, which managed to absorb Hardy’s, which had absorbed Chateau Reynella before being absorbed by the big Riverland duet, Berri-Renmano, knows more than most the true value of green bucks. These are the guys, remember, with the wetlands.

Banrock Station is a perfect example of how you use salty irrigation water on arid land to grow vines which produce little bags of sugar, from which you can legally make alcohol, which brings sufficient profits to fund a swamp along the river from which your humungous pumps took the water for the vineyard. Until it all goes cactus and you put your hand out to the government to help you keep it all looking tickety-boo for a little longer. Which can also be sold as a good news yarn for all concerned. Once or twice.

This is about tweaking the image of the true nature of your business. Green bucks. When John Grant, the President, yep, President, of Constellation Wines Australia, sent out his triumphant press release about how his winery closures and vineyard sales was a deft response “to the difficult global environment by taking steps designed to benefit the company over the long term and, by so doing, help strengthen Australia’s wine sector”, he mentioned the environment, but not Banrock Station. This is because the River is on the nose, but not yet sufficiently stinky to sacrifice Banrock, which might come in handy if the Murray gets better.

“World’s Biggest Wine Company Heals Aussie River”… I can hear it. “We’ll blame this hiccup on the Ngarrindjeri Curse: the disturbed dead of Ngurunderi taking their revenge. Storm Boy has prostrate cancer; old Gulpilil’s pissed in the cane grass; white man’s firewater saves sick river … just a touch more oboe behind the baby ducks, please Boris...”

But image-wise, internationally, the Murray, and its estuary, is quickly becoming our equivalent of the Amazon Basin. A posh pleasure industry based on the totally unnecessary luxury commodity, wine, doesn’t want to be associated with destroying the Amazon Basin. But that’s what it’s done.

In the same news bulletins that reported the Constellation retreat, Dean Brown was on, spraying big time about how us citizens don’t appreciate the hard work Mike Rann and Karlene Maywald are putting into the River. The Brown Man can flush red and lecture, believe me. But suddenly he was doing it for Robin and Catwoman.

Not long ago it was Premier Brown arranging some water rights for his mates in the wine biz who saw Langhorne Creek as a little Coonawarra conveniently close to Adelaide. The vineyards increased from 471 hectares to 4700 within a few years, and now there’s no water and many tears. This sudden lapse coincides with Mr. Brown becoming Mike Rann’s Droughtmeister, not to mention Chairman of Hillgrove, the miner who’s about to dig the biggest pit this side of Roxby at Kanmantoo.

But open pits are thirsty. No worries. Fill the sails of Mount Barker Council and The Courier with bumptious self-congratulatory bullshit about the mining boom being good for the Hills, thus justifying the construction of another one or two thousand villas to house all the lucky employees.

This presents a crisis: what are we gonna do with all this grey water this new Tupperware Tuscany has produced? Easy. Put in a nice little wetland to keep the kiddies and the greens happy with a few shags, coots and ducklings, and flog the overflow to the mine. An environmental triumph matched only by Banrock!

But this is where Dino becomes the Joker: riparian rights. Any effluent from Mount Barker should flow straight to Langhorne Creek, which has no water in the Brown pipes. This may help replace the water they took out of the river a little upstream to supply Mount Barker’s Villa Rash/Greywater Factory so they can fill the kiddies’ wetlands and keep the miners happy. Whew!

The hubris of prospective winegrape investors is similarly malignant: they’re doing soil tests at Langhorne Creek for new big plantings. Now. These, no doubt, intend to take water from one of the private pipes being run past the forthcoming Wellington Weir to catch the last drops of fresh water that managed to get past the Mount Barker pipe. Just think. A few years back it would have run down there to Langhorne Creek, through the Lake, all by itself.

I know many of you think this column should be about wine. But Thirst is thirst, and water is an important gastronomic item. Constellation knows Adelaide is approaching the point where it must choose whether it wants water or wine. The whole world is watching.

Foster's: two bill too big

by PHILIP WHITE
This was first published in The Independent Weekly in February 2008

They just don’t get it. Between them, The Australian Financial Review and The Australian published a virtual novella about Foster’s CEO Trevor O’Hoy in one recent week. I mean novella in the number of words, but it applies in another way. Let me explain.

The Fin Review scooped everyone with a folksy piece about the former St. Kilda footballer and economics grad, concluding that he’s not demonstrative or flamboyant, but deeply cerebral and committed, and that he feels that some see his humility as a weakness. Jeez.

But the guts of the story was Trev’s humble back-flip over his purchase of Southcorp. After thirty years slavery in the bowels of Carlton & United Breweries, he’d ascended the throne of CUB’s umbrella, Foster’s, promising shareholders there’d “be no big acquisitions on his watch”. Six months later, after a brief chat with chairman Frank Swan – three minutes after – he approved the $3.7 billion takeover. Which Merrill Lynch analyst David Errington agrees was $2 billion too big.

So somebody kicked some arse at The Australian. Out came the me-too scribble. Matthew Stevens called O’Hoy “just a tad gloomy”, and “wry, personable and approachable”, if showing “slightly disturbing honesty” in recent “engagements with the media”, meaning the AFR yarn.

In the same Business section, The Australian’s John Durie was a little less romantic in his “Foster’s chiefs must deliver or go”.

The takeover was a disaster. Showing devastating ignorance of the wine market, O’Hoy attempted to slash costs by having his new premium wine brands, like Penfold’s, distributed and sold by the same dudes who flogged his ordinary beer.

So you run a medium-sized pub. You sell a lake of Cooper’s and a fairly big dam of premium red, and have a couple of vintages of Grange on your list, which came from your private collection, because you don’t sell enough Koonunga Hill to earn yourself a Grange allocation. In comes the Foster’s rep, wanting you to switch taps to Foster’s and Carlton, and replace your precious boutique hand-made red listings with industrial plonk from a portfolio containing 100 brands and two or three thousand products.

So you put down your bar cloth, forget about your lunch customers, and help the sweaty beer rep through his great big friggin’ book? Uh-huh.

Both newspapers talked about the sacking of the three or four thousand, and how O’Hoy eventually repented his error, and appointed seventy wine apostles to sell, well, wine. Their brilliant plan is to “mosaic” customers, a new verb meaning “think about what they buy, then push equivalent bar codes from the thousands in your book”.

Given Southcorp’s history with computer systems and information networks, I’d avoid being mosaicked. The more lugubrious retailers claim service has improved; humble O’Hoy says the worst is over.

But that’s not my point. My point is the two gaping holes in these reports justify the second implication of “novella”. Neither mentions premium wine as a gastronomic item. It’s a commodity, tied like Gulliver with the infernal strings of percentages of this and targets of that and returns of so many per cent or even less. And fair enough, for this is business, and this writer is no expert at that. But this writer is expert at recognizing the difference between an industrial product made in a refinery by industrial chemists wearing steel-capped boots, hard hats and safety glasses, and a wholesome, organic drink made with minimal irrigation, bugger all chemicals, and a whole lotta love, by someone in thongs, with a soulful understanding of the gastronomic rewards implicit in such luxury.

He’s more Country Road than thongs, but think Peter Gago and his Grange. Therein lies value. And shareholder return.

The other hole’s bigger. It’s called water.

Do these people – O’Hoy, Foster’s, and the business hacks – know something I don’t?

The arid land irrigation which pumped up nearly all Southcorp’s grapes is over. No matter that the cotton fields and the rice paddies and the dairy cattlemen waste more water than the grape cockies, who happen to waste shocking amounts anyway. And why not? They pay bugger all.

But such sugar mining is over. It can’t continue. Even if the Queensland rain did fill the River for a month, the time it will take to convert all Murray Valley irrigators from overhead sprinklers and open channels to pipes and drippers will be long enough to get us to the next normal drought, and by then, it’ll be over. Again. Still.

Not to mention salt.

Add to this the strangulations Karlene Maywald has clamped on the Murray water irrigators of Clare, the Barossa, Langhorne Creek and even the recycling experts, McLaren Vale, who use no Murray, and you’ve got a problem that’s much bigger than Trevor O’Hoy’s cerebral humility.

It’s a ruder, truer measure of the real value of Foster’s.