TWO BUCK CHUCK GREENS UP DOWNUNDER

Chuckie's In Love With Bottom Ocker Chardie Feeding At the Shallow Edge Of Wine's Gene Pool Two Buck Goes Three Buck Chunder Down Under
by PHILIP WHITE - a version of this appeared in The Independent Weekly 22 MAY 09

"I come from a land down under
Where beer does flow and men chunder
Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?
You better run, you better take cover."

- Colin Hay, Men At Work


Unless you feed in the shallowest edges of wine’s gene pool, you’ve probably never heard of Two Buck Chuck. And unless you traffic in the deepest, darkest, cheapest depths of the international wine lake, you’ve probably never tasted any.

This may change. Two Buck Chuck is about to become Three Buck Chunder From The Land Down Under. Give him a Vegemite sandwich!

Two Buck Chuck is a bloke, a.k.a. Fred T. Franzia, or Freddy. He’s the 66 year old nephew of Ernie Gallo, of the Gallo Brothers, the USA equivalent of Foster’s, McGuigan, Constellation and Yellow Tail, all rolled into one big Italo-American purveyor of, shall we say, cheap grape-based drinking ethanol, operating handily behind the visage of a premium wine maker. A quick dredge of the internet will show you that Gallo is one very clever mob, and that nephew Chuck is not a dude to be taken lightly.

One of the really bright things to come from the Bush presidency was George W’s last minute refusal to grant the Presidential pardon which Chuck and his extravagant swarm of lawyers and lobbyists had sought so keenly. Sixteen years previous, he’d pled guilty to federal charges of conspiracy to defraud. He’d been “blessing the loads” of cheap grapes he sold by sprinking zinfandel on top of them and selling the lot at zin prices -- US$800 to $1,200 a ton, instead of $100 to $200.

Chuck paid a US$500,000 fine, did five years on probation, and quit his job as President of Bronco Wines, which was fined another US$2.5 million. Five of his co-riders went to the can, but Chuck retained his role as Bronco’s finance chief, and soon returned to his former position of President.

The gang he assembled to convince Bush of his worthiness included maverick Republican Congressman George Radanovich, and Washington-based attorney Margaret Colgate Love, who had for seven years been the U.S. pardon attorney -- the Justice Department officer who screens all clemency applications. But all these deadshot gunslingers failed, and Chuck got the bad news for his Christmas present last December 23rd.

Freddie became Chuck when he flooded the US stores with wine retailing at $2 per bottle. Bronco is the USA’s fourth biggest wine company, specialising in cheap plonk which is top of the premium bins in chainstore Trader Joe’s. Chuck sells the same wine under various labels. Charles Shaw was an early invention, from whence came the Chuck moniker. Forest Glen is another perfect name, which brings to mind those little blotting paper pine trees that cabbies hang on the mirror to change the smell of the car from a toilet that smells of humans to one smelling of petro-chem.

Mention Two Buck Chuck to any Australian trying to sell wine at a profit in the United States and you’re risking violence. And that’s about to escalate. Chuckie’s in love. With Australian wineries going bankrupt.

Why would lovely Australian wineries be going bankrupt? Because their wine is not cheap enough to sell in the USA. They attempt to flood the Yanks with bottles of Bacchus only knows what splattered on the outside with fake aboriginal dot paintings or names like Lick Me or Slut or Lady Dog or whatever, they hire a bright young graphic artist and a sales dimbo with a lot of product in his hair, and off they go. But they cannot compete with Two Buck Chuck. So they go broke.

Chuck’s just advised the wine world that he’s gonna flood the USA with a wine from Australia, a chardonnay, next month, at three bucks US.

He’s got agents here sourcing this from bankrupt wineries. And the more of it he pumps into America, the more you’ll see Australians going under as they try to match those mendicant prices, providing Chuck’s buyers with more and more and more wine. Until, as London critic Robert Joseph sagely pointed out, there is no wine left in Australia.

And guess what Chuck’s gonna call this gastronomic triumph? Down Under. Down Under. And every bottle he sells will push Australia further and further and further down until it’s well and truly friggin under. We have at least $450m worth of wineries and grapeyards for sale from people who are not yet broke and many who are. Personally, I reckon these “market analysts” are out by a factor of minus many. I’d double it.

So who’s Chuck gunning for? To start with, he’s gonna halve the price of Yellow Tail, which is sold by Griffith Italians with assistance from various highly influential American connections.

"They're overpriced and we're going to pound them for a while now," Franzia said last week in an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle. "We're taking our fight international."

And he’s doing this on a green ticket, since his ultra-light enviro-friendly bottles are clinking out of his new bottle factory in the Napa by the scrillion.

FREDDY FRANZIA'S FORGIVABILITY FIZZLES

FRED T. FRANZIA - AKA TWO BUCK CHUCK - STILL GUILTY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Fed Lets Fred-Chuck Fry In His Own Two Buck Fat

... Gallo Nephew Fails In Last Ditch Forgiveness Bid

by PHILIP WHITE

One of the coolest news chips that DRINKSTER forgot to serve on account of Jesus’ 2009th birthday and the worship of the filthy lucre now implicit in that celebration was the little matter of outgoing President George Bush's administration showing a rare spurt of wisdom in refusing to grant a pardon to Two Buck Chuck.

The USA Freedom Of Information people have revealed that Chuck, also known as Fred T. Franzia, had applied, through a swarm of lawyers, for a pardon from the administration of outgoing President Bush.

Fred, Ernie Gallo’s 65 year old nephew, pleaded guilty fifteen years ago to federal charges of conspiracy to defraud.

He’d been “blessing the loads” of cheap grapes he sold by sprinking zinfandel on top of them and selling the lot at zin prices -- US$800 to $1,200 a ton, instead of $100 to $200.

Chuck paid a $500,000 fine, served five years on probation, and had to quit his job as President of Bronco Wines, which paid another US$2.5 million in fines. While five other operatives of Chuck’s went to prison, he retained his role as Bronco’s finance chief, and soon returned to his former position of President.

Bronco is the USA’s fourth biggest wine company, specialising in such cheap plonk as the infamous Two Buck Chuck, which is top of the premium bins in chainstore Trader Joe’s. Chuck makes a habit of selling the same wine under various labels.

Forest Glen is another of his specialties.

In spite of Chuck having his poor boy violin sympathy played, on his behalf, by the likes of Republican Congressman George Radanovich, and Washington-based attorney Margaret Colgate Love, for White House Counsel Fred Fielding, government refused the clemency plea.

Love was U.S. pardon attorney -- the Justice Department attorney who screens all clemency applications -- from 1990 to 1997. But only 99 pardon applications have been successful out of 1,143 in the last two years.

In spite of the efforts of his notable offsiders, Franzia failed. The Justice Department rejected his pardon application on 23 December, according to information obtained by McClatchy Newspapers through the Freedon Of Information Act.

WINE LICENSING: INDIA SHOWS USA THE WAY

WINE IS A BIG DEAL IN INDIA, WITH SALES STEADILY CLIMBING AS GOVERNMENT PROMOTES WINE DRINKING AND LIFTS SALES RESTRICTIONS

India Pulls Its Cork

by PHILIP WHITE

As India gradually discovers wine, its lawmakers seem keen to deregulate restrictive laws and get on with it.

One major step is the move to permit department stores to sell wine.

“We are working towards easing regulation on wine production and consumption in the country. Availability of wine would be the first step in this direction. The government is willing to spread wine culture among people and promote vineyards in the country,” an official in the ministry of food processing, who wished not to be named, told the Economic Times of India on New Year’s Eve.”

“Some states, like Delhi, Maharastra, Karnataka and Punjab have already allowed department stores to sell beer provided they get a liquor licence”, ETI reported. “The ministry of food processing along with the department of commerce are of the view that wine should also be treated like beer, which is different from hard liquor such as whiskey and rum. The Delhi government, too, is likely to allow the sale of wine in local stores soon.

“The two arms of the central government are working on a policy to encourage wine making and its consumption in the country. They are also in favour of having a uniform excise duty regime across the state for wine sector. Excise duty on wines is a state subject and varies from state to state.

“To give impetus to wine production and its promotion, the food processing ministry has also set up a National Wine Board to develop standards and promote domestic wine industry, so that they may stand stiff competition thrown by Australian and French wines. Competition from foreign wines is expected to intensify with the recent reduction in customs duties on wines and spirits.

“The ministry argues that promotion of wine culture will lead to agricultural diversification and employment generation in rural India. With the growing popularity, wine farmers in Maharashtra are shifting from plantation of table grapes to wine grapes, said the official. India’s wine market, which is 1.2 million cases, has been growing at 40% this year compared with 2007.”

Meanwhile, in the USA, where many states already enjoy this privilege (to varying degrees – the laws are arcane), a few recalcitrants are still kicking and screaming.

The New Jersey legislature is considering changing its 47-year-old law designed to prevent monopolization, price-fixing and mob influence of liquor stores and introducing similarly liberal legislation. Liquor store owners are up in arms, saying this will lead to supermarket chains gaining control of the retail liquor business.

Fred Leighton, president of the New Jersey Liquor Store Alliance and owner of Bayway World of Liquor in Elizabeth, argued the legislation would hurt struggling business districts, raise the risk of minors illegally obtaining liquor at busy supermarkets, and lead to price hikes.

The director of the state Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control said the proposal is unnecessary and would make it more difficult to enforce the drinking age.

"When I see a 15-year-old walk into a liquor store, I assume there is a problem," Jerry Fischer, state ABC director, told the committee. "When I see a 15-year-old walk into a supermarket, I can't assume anything. I have very valid concerns."

The bill would change the existing system that limits any corporation or individual to only two retail liquor licenses statewide. It is being pushed by the New Jersey Food Council, the lobbying arm for such supermarket chains as Acme, Stop & Shop, Pathmark, Whole Foods and Quick Chek.

"The existing law is anti-competitive, unfair and riddled with loopholes," said Deana Lykins, a consultant retained by the N.J. Food Council. "It is a protectionist measure for one part of the liquor industry."

In Albany, upstate New York, opponents to a similar liberalisation of liquor laws also say the proposal by Gov. David Paterson to allow the sale of wine in grocery and convenience stores sounds “as ominous as a death knell”.

"It'll put most of us out of business," Michael Scanlan, co-owner of Niskayuna Wines and Liquors, told The Albany Times Union. "They can sell it for cheaper than we can buy it."

The ATU reported that Scanlan co-owns the cozy Nott Street shop with his brother, Peter Scanlan. Their father opened the store nearly four decades ago. Over those years, he claimed, “proposals for expanded wine sales came and went like tides but never came to fruition”.

Many liquor store owners see the move as inevitable, the report continued, partly because the state deficit is so large and the Paterson administration believes it can raise a quick $105 million in franchise fees from stores and pharmacies that now sell beer and are eager to sell wine.

35 states already allow the sale of wine in food stores. Capital Region stores like Price Chopper and Stewart's sell wine in Vermont locations, for example. Proponents say the proposal is a matter of convenience: while there are only 1,700 licensed liquor stores in New York, there are 18,171 outlets that sell beer; why not let those stores sell wine to make the product more widely available?

Many suggest that huge chains like Whole Foods and Trader Joe's avoid the Capital Region and other upstate areas because of this wine sale limitation.

Yet, directly reflecting the Australian situation, liquor store owners say there's no way they can compete with the big chains’ bulk purchasing power, and consequent discounting, comparing themselves “to the hardware stores that tried, and mostly failed, to conquer big-box competition”. And they say the governor's plan is inherently unfair: under state liquor rules, for example, they are allowed just one location while grocery and convenience stores face no such restriction.

Store owners predicted a small number of liquor stores will survive, mostly those that sell expensive niche wines. But many others, they said, will be imperiled if the Paterson proposal passes.

"In Vermont, you can buy wine anywhere," Rutland said. "But try to find a liquor store."

The NewYork Times meanwhile reported “The retail grocers of New York and Brooklyn feel bitter towards the dry goods department stores that have introduced groceries, wines and liquors ... and charge that the department stores are placing before their women customers ‘an unusual temptation to indulge in alcoholic stimulants’ ...

“W. H. Moss, grocer, Washington and Vesey Streets, said “selling wine and liquors in dry goods stores has a demoralising tendency on women. It offers them temptations to buy whiskey which otherwise they would not be likely to encounter. I would not be surprised to learn that dry goods stores were selling coffins.”

But that was the The New York Times of 17 November, 1894. Nothing changes. Maybe I’d move straight to India.